“April Come She Will” Paul Simon

If there is one topic that generally unites most Americans whether they be Rs or Ds, Conservative or Liberal, big spender or saver, gay or straight, pro-life or pro-choice, Keynesian or Monetarist, neo-con or neo-Nazi, progressive or radical, Shia or Sunni, environmentalist or real estate developer, it is THE WEATHER. It is the one topic that can be safely brought up with strangers in an elevator ( Sports, though normally safe ,can often lead to awkwardness and even fisticuffs if brought up with a non-hometown fan ).

So though this blog normally deals with controversial issues such as government spending, taxes, debt and the like, I thought I would deal with something a little easier to write about which requires little or no new research or thought for that matter: THE WEATHER. And this winter has resulted in the dreaded ” Polar Vortex” with numerous days of bone chilling single digit and sub-zero days and more than 55 inches of snow, 2nd most in Columbus, Ohio history.

And this winter was so cold it reminded me of Johnny Carson’s old comedy monologues on the Tonight Show and of course more recent stand up comedians were making their own jokes:

It was very cold today…

HOW COLD WAS IT?

“Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.” Johnny Carson

“It was so cold that hell really did freeze over”– Bruce Braine (aspiring comedian)

“It was so cold, the 49ers coach got a concussion when he was hit with a block of Gatorade.” — Conan O’Brien

“It was so cold that with the wind chill it got down to 63 below zero in parts of Montana. At that temperature, if you remove your hat your thoughts will actually freeze inside your brain.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“I saw a greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.”

“Someone accidentally pours hot coffee on your hands, and you say ‘thank you.'”

“My lawn jockey asked to borrow a blanket.”

“People are like, ‘When I was a youngster — nah, screw it, this is colder.'”

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Despite the comic side of our predicament, I know I can speak for virtually the entire country ( with apologies to those West of the Rockies) when I say that I am sick of the Polar Vortex and I never want to hear its name again. Like the guest who overstays his welcome and simply won’t leave, the Polar Vortex and his less well-known cousins ( I.e. Polar Blast, Arctic Air Mass and Alberta Clipper) have parked themselves on our sofa smoking cigars and drinking Moosehead beers with no intention of ever leaving. We started out with subtle hints: how they might enjoy Siberia better this time of year or perhaps Alaska or the Northwest Territories. But they just responded with belches, tossing of beer cans and general laughter. Occasionally, they would leave us giving us a chance to air out the house, get rid of the old beer cans and clean up the cigar butts. However, they would always return a few days later as drunk and rowdy as ever with replenished supplies of Labatt’s and more giant Cubans.

During the last month, I have started to point to calendar and gesticulate wildly. “It’s March, time for Spring, time for you guys to leave for good!” More laughter, more belching. “We promise to leave once March Madness is over” they would chuckle “or NOT!”.

The first day of Spring passed uneventfully, more cold and more snow. And finally, with yesterday’s cold rain changing over to snow, I had reached my limit. I put a call into the Betty Ford clinic and asked them to take these guys off our hands.

“Sure” they said “we can put them away for 7 months, maybe more, but it will take a few days as our van is parked down in Florida right now”.

“Please hurry , we are getting desperate here” I said looking at the only visible part of our dog under a pile of blankets.

“Don’t worry, we will be there in a few days” they said ” just remember , April come she will”.