“Welcome to the Dallas Fort Worth Airport”

On Friday January 19th, I was heading to Las Vegas for a long weekend, a nearly annual January tradition for the past 20 years or so. My flight schedule was to leave Columbus at 12:45PM and arrive in Dallas at 2:44PM (Central Time) then depart for Vegas at 4:15PM and arrive in Vegas at 5:15PM(Pacific Time). This gave me what I thought would be a comfortable 90 minutes to make the connection and to meet my friend Mark for dinner that evening.

Flight AA1565 Columbus-Dallas Scheduled Departure 12:45 PM: Plane #1

My plan changed quickly as the originating flight to Columbus (from Dallas) was delayed one and a half hours (mechanical issue fixed in Dallas). Thus, we did not depart Columbus until 2:05 PM- some 1 hour and 20 minutes late. I soon realized that I was only going to have 10-20 minutes to connect in Dallas. I told the gate attendant that I was concerned that I wasn’t going to make my connection (knowing that Dallas has lots of distance between gates unlike other airports) and could they route me differently to Vegas?. First, she told me, “that there are 11 other passengers who are also connecting to the same Vegas flight” and that “they are aware of that in Dallas”. She also said that our flight was scheduled to arrive at Gate C-6 and the flight from Dallas to Vegas was scheduled to leave from C-11. She added it’s “only a few minutes to go 5 gates in the Dallas airport”. “I have faith in you.”

After boarding, the pilot announced that our flying time was going to be a “quick” 2 hours and 20 minutes from takeoff and that we would be landing in Dallas at 3:25 PM with gate arrival at 3:35PM. (“40 minutes to make my 4:15PM flight” I thought). And for the first time all day, I relaxed. I even chuckled remembering the great Jerry Seinfeld joke about pilots saying when their flights were running late that they “would make up some time in the air”. “If they can go faster, why don’t they always go faster? ” Seinfeld quipped.

But as time passed, I realized that the pilot’s promise was more hyperbole than fact. Soon it was 3:25 PM and we were just starting our descent to the airport. We touched down at 3:45PM and then as I watched helplessly from my window seat, the plane ambled slowly towards the gate seemingly miles away from the runway. We finally arrived at the gate at 4PM (ONLY 15 MINUTES TO CONNECT!!! I thought). And just to torture me some more, they announced that my connecting gate was now C-21 (not C-11). I pushed my way to the front of the plane so I could get off first. (fortunately I had been upgraded to First Class, so this was at least possible).

Flight AA 2864 Dallas to Las Vegas Scheduled Departure: 4:15PM Gate C-21: Plane #2

As the door opened, I half-sprinted, half fast-walked from C-6 to C-21, darting around the multitudes of people and roller bags in the terminal- constantly yelling “excuse me” so I wouldn’t collide with anyone. (It was 4PM on a Friday in one of the busiest airports in the world). But then I saw a “C-21” sign in the distance. HALLELUJAH! At 4:08 PM, I arrived at C-21 but the jetway door had been closed and only one attendant was there. Seeing my combined expression of horror and intense anger, she said “We actually waited until 4:05PM to close the door, we’re supposed to close it at 4PM”. My wife and kids know me as a normally calm person, but at this point I completely lost it and let out a stream of expletives with only occasional rational statements “They told me that you knew we were trying to make this connection” and “there are 11 passengers right behind me” and “it was YOUR flight from Columbus that was late” etc.

************

In retrospect, I am now reminded of the scene in the very funny 1987 movie “Trains, Planes and Automobiles” when Steve Martin goes ballistic dropping literally dozens of f-bombs at a car rental desk because his rental car is missing after a perilous trip thru the snow. I was acting like Steve Martin in that scene! (Funny story about that movie, we rented it on video back in the mid-1990s to watch with our children who were then in elementary school as well as my visiting mother and stepfather. We had recently seen the “edited” for TV version which cut out all the f-words so we forgot about this scene. When that unedited scene came on, my stepfather was literally shocked (and Anne and I quickly tried to fast-forward that part). My stepfather, who never minced words, thereafter referred to “the type of movies we would let our kids watch” and “our household as one where these words were common” for several years thereafter.

************

The gate attendant said a few more things that only increased my anger (e.g. we gave away your seat to standby passengers already, “so you don”t have a seat anymore”) but finally, I was directed to the Customer Service Desk. There I finally found a sympathetic agent who even tried to convince the plane to come back (as they had maintenance on board and were delayed taking off). BUT when that failed, she got me on the next flight to Vegas even in a first class seat (per my previous upgrade).

Flight AA 1880 Dallas to Las Vegas Scheduled Departure:5:55PM Gate C-39: Plane #3

Flight 1880 was scheduled to leave from Gate C-39 (the last C gate) at 5:55 PM. We boarded and I had already gotten a beer in first class and I was relaxing. And I started chatting with an Australian woman seated next to me who actually had just come from Melbourne. She was jet lagged and tired, but talkative nonetheless. But only 10-15 minutes later, the captain announced that our flight was having “maintenance issues” and we were to disembark.

Flight AA 1880 Dallas to Las Vegas Scheduled Departure:7:05PM Gate C-18: Plane #4

We were then sent to a new plane (same flight no. 1880) back at Gate C-18, scheduled to leave at 7:05 PM. ( While heading towards the gate, I started optimistically humming “We May Never Pass This Way Again” by Seals and Crofts.). BUT, by the time we started boarding, my automated text message told me it had already been delayed to 7:25PM. AND then there was the unwelcome harbinger of two yellow-vested maintenance men near the jet entrance. Soon, a delay to 8:20PM was announced as the “maintenance issues” were being “fixed”. At about 8PM the Captain announced that “the maintenance was more complicated than originally thought” and though it was a “non-essential part” – just some valve supposedly (“maybe an engine valve!” -I thought sarcastically) – FAA regulations would not allow them to fly this plane. At this point, I began to wonder if Flight 1880 referred to the year in which these jets were built originally.

Flight AA 1880 Dallas to Las Vegas Scheduled Departure:8:55PM Gate C-18: Plane #5

So we were told to switch to a plane at Gate C-4, which would (really???) leave at 8:55PM. Boarding took longer than expected of course, so that time was “adjusted” to 9:10PM. As I sat on the plane, my new Australian friend asked me “Does this happen a lot on US flights?” Only half-heartedly, I assured her it was very rare. Meanwhile, while the doors had been shut, the plane had remained stationary interminably- although I admit at this point minutes seemed like hours! I remember thinking and whispering to myself (COME ON MOVE!!!). Finally we started taxiing (Yay! ) and we seemed to be on our way. But then after about 5 minutes, we stopped, sat for awhile near the runway and then finally turned around at 9:45PM. Then, the pilot announced “I’m afraid because of all the delays we have exceeded 14 hours of shift time- the maximum allowed by the FAA -and we must return to the gate and get a new flight crew”.

There was a very loud collective groan (“You’ve got to be kidding me!”) that came from the cabin . My Australian friend asked “Is this a joke?”. I assured her that American pilots never joked (nor did the FAA)–(though I began to wonder how much more enjoyable the many flights I have taken in my life would have been if Robin Williams, George Carlin, or Johnny Carson had been my pilot…”My flight attendants are so bad, that I have to hand out peanuts to the passengers while flying the plane”).

Flight AA290 Dallas to Las Vegas Scheduled Departure:10:55PM Gate C-38: Plane #6

Our flight attendant told us to sit tight as they were going to get a new flight crew and leave in about an hour. However, a new departure time of 12:45AM!(which was almost 3 hours later) came thru on the text message from American. And then, passengers started to swarm like a flock of swallows. There was one last flight from Dallas at 10:55PM and there was apparently lots of room on that flight! I bolted with most everyone else, got on the 10:55PM (which naturally was leaving from C-38–at least I was getting a lot of steps in!) and arrived in Vegas more or less on time (FOR THAT FLIGHT!) at 12:40AM….(which really was 3:40AM for me). In total, it was an 17-hour day spent on planes or in airports, involving 6 different planes (all of which were delayed), including sitting on 3 different airplanes that went nowhere in Dallas, and 5 lengthy walks between gates. It was my worst single day of traveling that I can remember.

************

As I am a rock-music lover and author, I couldn’t help but think of a famous rock song with my own lyrics that best commemorates my “hopefully” one of a kind experience in Dallas. And perhaps it serves as a warning to those who decide to connect thru Dallas:

“Welcome to the Dallas-Fort Worth Airport”
(To the tune of “Hotel California”–with apologies to the Eagles)

On a grey metal jetway
Stale smell at the door
Running past the people
avoiding bags on the floor
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a C-Twenty-One.
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for some tums.

[Verse 2]
There she stood at the gateway
Told me plane was gone
And I was yellin’ at herself
“I was here on-time, you must be wrong”
Then she said “Go get rebooked”
And she showed me the way
There were agents down the corridor
I thought I heard them say

[Chorus]
“Welcome to the Dallas Fort Worth Airport
Such an busy place (Such a busy place)
Such a crazy pace
Plenty of planes at the Dallas Fort Worth Airport
Any time of day (Any time of day)
You will find delays!”

[Verse 3]
My back is totally-twisted
I got the achiest head,
I ate an old bitty, shitty, sandwich
Without good bread
Now we eat at Sbarro’s
Grease pizza get
Some eat to remember
Some eat to forget.

Then we heard from the Captain
“Please give us more time”
He said, “We haven’t had this aircraft here
Since 1999″
And still those voices are callin’
From far away
Wake you up in the middle of your sleep
Just to hear them say

[Chorus]

“Welcome to the Dallas Fort-Worth Airport
Such a busy place (Such a busy place)
Such a crazy pace
We livin’ all day at the Dallas Fort Worth Airport
Another flight surprise (Another flight surprise)
And their alibis”

(Verse 5)

Mirrors in the restroom
We drink Diet Coke on ice
And she said “We are all just prisoners here
Of our own missed flights”
At the jetway entrance
Techs gathered to complain
They jabbed it with their steely tools
But they just can’t fix the plane

Last thing I remember
I was running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the gate I was before
“Relax” said the gate man
“We are programmed to receive.
You can board it any time you like
But we will never leave!”